Hello, my name is Heaven Leigh McGuire. My first and middle name together is Heavenly. I'm eighteen. I live in Arizona and just graduated Highland High School. It's a pretty big school, which I have mixed feelings about. Part of me loves living in a big city with lots of people and everything feels so glamorous, but I also like small towns, like where I lived for the first four years of my life. Close knit communities, knowing the same people your whole life, looking around in a room full of your graduating class and not seeing a bunch of strangers.
I plan on going to fashion school. FIDM to be more specific, and I hope it works out. I sort of have a fascination with fashion, whereas most people just wear what they feel looks good. I also hope to one day get some sort of music degree. Took band for eight years for clarinet. Marching band for three years in the "pit" and it was the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced in my life. An experience so amazing that most people won't have a chance to feel that in their entire lifetime. Also was in the jazz band on piano for seven years. I was never the best at any of these. I didn't work very hard at clarinet. I was only in the top band because I'm naturally good at it. Not trying to be egotistical at all-I should have worked harder-but it's just how it is. I absolutely loved playing in the jazz band, but also didn't work hard enough at it, and it didn't come as naturally. But being the only upperclassman in the front ensemble, I was good at it, and worked very hard, and learned to love marimba and vibe and xylophone and percussion in general more than anything. I also have played piano since I was three and love it. Self taught, and not trying to brag, but I'm actually really good. Until high school, I practiced about three hours on a day that wasn't busy. An hour on days that I was. I could read notes before I could read words. So when people say 'music is my life,' they're right, it's a huge aspect of all life. But it really is mine. I've played music almost everyday for the past fifteen years, and the three years before that I listened to other people play. Now that high school is over, I plan to keep playing the piano and start teaching. Hopefully one day I will purchase my own marimba and work on that more, and I would love to one day be part of some sort of performing group on either of those, or on the clarinet.
As you can tell by now, I like to talk. I like telling stories that are usually pointless, and for some reason I cannot help but to describe every single pointless detail. I think that's why I'm a good creative writer. I notice details and find them more important than other people do.
I fully believe that people act the way they do because of their genetics and the occurrences of their life. I like to connect the dots with people. I have known a lot of people that aren't well-liked. But by trying to understand, they let me in and I began to see all of the things that made them act mean or anti social or annoying and I learned to love them in spite and because of it.
I believe in fate, in a way. I believe that whatever is "meant to be" will indeed be. This might just be a way of comforting myself. I started thinking this way after my good friend--best friend--stopped talking to me. And it gave me hope that things will turn out right. Things always turn out good. But they almost never turn out how we want them.
I love change in little things. I change my hair, the way I dress, the way I apply makeup, the time I wake up, the arrangement of my room, the songs I listen to, my exercises, what I do in my spare time. But I do this to distract me from the big changes that I want nothing to do with. I hate losing friends. I hate the feeling that comes when someone forgets the way they once felt about you.
I'm in love and I know a part of me always will be with one person who changed everything. Changed me, my whole perspective forever. But very few people know that. Actually, three people know that, including the person themselves.
I'm happy a lot of the time, but I get sad easily. I'm actually diagnosed with 'depression not otherwise specified' but I don't really feel like I have depression. That's not why I went to the counselor in the first place who diagnosed me with depression. I kind of just feel like I'm extra sensitive.
I'm probably one of the only people who will admit upfront to people-most of the time-that I care what people think of me. I care way too much. Actually it's unhealthy the amount to which I care. Hopefully that goes away one day, but for now, it's just who I am. I go through a lot. More than a person would think I do. When things are really hard, I tend to cry about every little thing, and it makes me feel stupid. But I'm never actually crying about that, it's just the little things always seem to lead back to harder memories and emotions. I fake a smile a lot, for different reasons. I don't want people to see me as this depressed girl I guess. I also just want to be strong. I see people that smile everyday that I can tell are having it rough, and they inspire me. So for the few people who take time to notice I'm smiling through a lot of pain, I hope I inspire them too.
I'd say I'm kind of moody. I'm very sensitive and can get down really easily. But I love people and I have amazing friends that make me smile and laugh so much. Sometimes they do really little things, but I know they do them just for me, and it makes me want to cry out of happiness and love. The way that if someone brings up something they know would upset me, they quickly change the subject. The way if someone shows up that will upset me just by seeing them, they lead me to walk the other way, hoping I didn't notice that the person was there. How when I'm in an awkward situation, they pull me away with an excuse. My friends make me feel like I can be myself and cute at the same time. I'm a very weird person, and a lot of people just kind of give me a look that says "what the heck?....", but my friends laugh and understand it and love it. And I love them all for that. I feel like now that I really appreciate these people in my life, I'm starting to really understand who I am. What makes me different from everyone else. Not the way I look, but what makes my soul different.
I have hope for the future, and I have hope for a lot of people.
This has been long, I apologize, but thank you if you have stuck around long enough to read all of this:). You're very lovely. I'll probably edit this quite a few times before I'm happy with this. Ask a question, anon or not, send me a message weather you know me or not. That's what tumblr is for, so let's be friends. :)
